Guido's Survival Guide: Part 2

Scenario 7:  The Peanut Butter Withdrawal.

You can’t possible go another day without peanut butter… you can’t. In fact, you’re certain if you don’t eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich RIGHT NOW you’ll turn into a rabid dog and start attacking people.

The Solution:

NUTELLA! Almost as nutty, but chocolatey at the same time. Heck, Italians have the best Nutella in the world. Eat the whole container until your symptoms of rabidness have vanished.

Scenario 8: Yes, Baby eels are on the menu.

If your host mom isn’t serving spaghetti, she’s no doubt serving something gooey, possibly-still-alive, and very disturbing. These meals can come in a variety of different forms—baby eels are popular, as well as “casu marzu” (maggot cheese). How to escape?

The Solution:

1.  Fake a bite of whatever disgusting item has been put in front of you]

2.  Say: “Mamma Mia!”

3.  Jump up from the table as if astonished at how good this ‘item’ tastes, meanwhile slipping the item to whatever animals may be roaming under the table.

Not only is this escape method effective, but you also flatter your host mom and gain a mutual relationship between you and your host family’s dog.

Scenario 9: The Wrong Jersey

In the team spirit, you decide to wear that fantastic new jersey you bought because the soccer team had hot players on it (with long hair). It’s bright green and has the “Milan” soccer team’s emblem on it.

Unfortunately, not everyone thinks “Milan” soccer players are as hot as you do. You find yourself surrounded by a mob of angry young men with face-paint and “Livorno” jerseys. How to escape? How to survive in a country where soccer is more important than politics, pasta, and even (gasp!) gelato?!

The Solution:
The confusion tactic. Wear the face-paint for “Fiorentina”, the jersey for “Empoli”, headband for “Roma”, and the shoes for “Ascoli”. They can’t get mad at you because you’re wearing their team’s colors...somewhere.

Scenario 10: The Chin Rubbing Thing.

Some guy is glaring at you and you don’t know why. He keeps rubbing his chin. What’s more, another guy on the other side of the room is also glaring at you. He looks like he has a stomach ache. What the heck?

The Explanation:

Chin rubbing in Italy = “I detest you”

Stomach rubbing in Italy = “I dislike you.”

The Solution:

Luckily, YOU can pat your head and rub your tummy at the same time!

Scenario 11: Being an I.I.M. (Insignificant Ignored Midget)

Everybody talks at the same time and it seems like no one ever hears what you are trying to say. By now you feel like an insignificant midget who doesn’t matter.

The Solution:

In Italy it’s POLITE to talk at the same time. However, if you DO have something important to say, blurt out as many random words as you can until you finally get someone’s attention.

You: Blap! Cow! Gelato! Slamdunk! Whirg!

Scenario 12: Communication Confusion

The Hard Truth: You have come to realize that no one in Italy actually speaks to communicate… it’s a scam! Instead, the only thing they do is wave their arms and pretend like they know what they’re saying.

The Solution:
Ha ha, it’s now even easier to learn the language! Just move your mouth and speak in gibberish while waving your arms to express your meaning. You’ll be considered an expert.

Scenario 13: I… am…. Mooooooovvvviiiiiinnnnngggggg

At times I amaze even myself with my impatience to get somewhere. Sometimes I just run around in circles before I’ve determined my destination.

Unfortunately… Italians move at a pace somewhere on the scale between “snail” and “turtle”. It’s enough to drive anyone crazy! How do you keep from going insane?

The Solution:


Bring a lawnchair… everywhere. Even if you originally just planned to hurry down to the post office and mail a letter. Inevitably you will be slowed down and the mission will take 30 to 60 minutes longer than you anticipated. Remember, in Italy slow progress is considered a delightful, wonderful state of being.

Scenario 14: You have a phobia of rocket ships…

So every house in Italy looks like it’s about to take off. They’ve got red roofs, domed foundations, and you are absolutely terrified of all methods of galactic transportation. What to do?

Three… Two… One… Lift off!

The Solution:


Join the alien invasion! No, just kidding, you’ll have to take all the houses down with a sledge hammer.

Scenario 15: I protest!

Work/School/Life-in-General is cancelled again because a bunch of people decided to wave sticks [also called “going on strike]. You’re tired of yelling and throwing stuff. How to tolerate?

The Solution: Pick up the stuff they throw. Jewelry, coins, souveniers… you name it. Call me when you’re rich.

Scenario 16: But I’m hungry…

Eating on the streets is practically against the law, with the exception of gelato. You’re really hungry and you want to eat that Snickers in your pocket. How do you do it stealthily without getting glared at?

Solution: Switch to a 100% Gelato Diet. You can eat on the street whenever you want, plus you’ll get a boost of Calcium (and a few extra insulating pounds for wintertime).

Scenario 17: You seem to have picked up a “Guido”

An abnormally intelligent mouse has been following you everywhere, and it’s starting to freak you out. It could be rabid, or from outer space! How do you keep it under control?

The Solution: Feed the mouse Gelato… lots.